How often have you heard a survivor of any trauma say something like: “I’m at a loss for words” or “I can’t explain it.” These aren’t just figures of speech or an unwillingness to explain. Neuroscience confirms that under extreme stress, the language center of the brain temporarily goes offline. That’s how we’re all wired. That’s why homicide survivors usually struggle to describe what they’re seen, heard or felt in the days and weeks after loss – regardless if they’re speaking with the detective, a reporter, best friend or trusted dog.
The Science of Trauma
When a loved one is murdered, the body reacts as though it has been physically attacked, and that the threat isn’t over:
- The amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, floods the body with adrenaline and cortisol.
- Blood flow is diverted away from the prefrontal cortex, which handles reasoning and speech.
- Blood is pulled into the center of the body and away from hands and feet.
Here’s a sample conversation:
Detective: “Mam, can you describe the shooter who aimed at your son.”
Mother: [Fighting the urge to pace, running her hands through her hair.] “I, I, he was… I, I…. Ah, what did you say?”
Detective: “Okay. Take a deep breath and focus. I know this is hard. Let’s try again. What did the shooter look like?”
Mother: [Looking behind her and shaking her hands.] “He… I mean, it was… (sobbing) “My son!”
One woman told me she paced her house all night, unable to sit down, let alone sleep, because her body was “buzzing.” Another said she trembled for days and couldn’t hold a coffee cup without spilling it. These are not signs of weakness, fatigue or theatrics; they are biology in action.
As psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk famously wrote, “The body keeps the score.” Trauma is stored first in the nervous system, not in sentences.
Why Talking Too Soon Can Backfire
Pushing survivors to answer questions or “process” what they’re going through too early can actually increase their sense of being overwhelmed. It’s like trying to run complex software on a computer that hasn’t finished booting. The brain is working overtime to remember the threat, arouse the immune system, send resources to muscle fibers, shut off digestion and a dozen other tasks. Conversing isn’t a top priority. The brain is keen on survival.
Have you ever noticed that when people say they’re speechless or at a loss for words, they often put a hand to their forehead? That’s no accident. Just behind the forehead sits the prefrontal cortex — the very region that goes offline under trauma. Touching it is an unconscious attempt to reconnect with words, while also serving as a self-soothing gesture that calms the nervous system. Resting fingertips on the forehead while struggling to form sentences is a subtle but accurate indication that the speech center is unavailable at that moment.
Research on post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (or Post Traumatic Injury as I like to call it) shows that verbal processing is most effective after the nervous system is calmer. Before that, survivors may feel pressured, confused, or even re-traumatized by attempts to put the experience into words. Stammering, illogic and repetitive declarations rule the day. (Unfortunately the media looks to film these “dramatic” moments for the viewing public.)
So, What’s Helpful?
Since trauma is first stored physically, we must address it physically. The body needs physical stabilization in the first days and weeks. This is accomplished by:
- Breathing and grounding. Deep breathing exercises calm the vagus nerve. Trauma survivors benefit by periodically slowly inhaling through their nose and exhaling through their mouth a minimum of five times in row. The exhale should be slightly longer than breathing in. The slower this exercise is done, the better.
- Movement. Walking, stretching, swimming, yoga, boxing, dancing, drawing – all help burn off adrenaline. The larger the muscle groups involved the better.
- Nutrition and hydration. Trauma dumps stored sugars into the bloodstream to give us a boost of energy. So stabilizing this “glucose dump” is helpful and calming. Drinking water, avoiding rice, pasta and sweets and eating protein will help stabilize glucose. This is especially important for people who are diabetic.
- Rest. Insomnia is almost a universal experience following a trauma. All those brain chemicals are circulating to keep us alert but sleep is when the brain reorganizes memories. And when we reorganize memories we can begin to settle. The good news is, that the movement-based activities mentioned above aid sleep.
- Rhythm. We de-escalate by repetitive, quiet activities. (Haven’t you noticed that rocking a newborn calms them?) So, rocking in a chair, listening to music, engaging in Tai Chi, swinging slowly, rowing a boat, pacing, sweeping and swimming are just some of the activities which soothe the nervous system.
When the Words Return
Once the body steadies, the prefrontal cortex gradually comes back online. Rest, hydration, reduced social interaction and walking in nature can help this process immensely. What doesn’t work well are tactics like substance overuse, isolation, vigilantism, driving fast, hoarding or “retail therapy.” In time, survivors will think more clearly, remember details, and—finally—speak. This is when talking with a counselor, joining a group, journaling, or sharing stories with trusted friends can help knit the experience into memory. Words have power, but only after the brain is ready to use them.
Why This Matters
Recognizing trauma as both physical and emotional changes the questions we ask. Instead of “Why won’t you talk about it?” the better question is: “How can I help you feel safer right now?”
Healing after the homicide of a loved one begins in the body. Talking is helpful but must wait its turn. First, survivors need space to breathe, move, and let biology catch up with heartbreak.
A Word to Survivors
If this is you, please know: your silence is not failure. Your hands that tremble, your sleepless nights, your “speechlessness?” That’s your brain working hard to protect you. When you feel safe you will find your words. But first things first. Trust your body. It hasn’t abandoned you—it’s working overtime. The words will come in their own time.
Three Simple Self-Soothing Practices
If you’re looking for gentle ways to calm your body in the aftermath of trauma, here are three evidence-based techniques:
- Box Breathing:
- Inhale through your nose for 4 seconds.
- Hold your breath for 4 seconds.
- Exhale slowly through your mouth for 5 seconds.
- Hold again for 4 seconds.
- Repeat for five cycles. This calms the vagus nerve and reduces fight-or-flight reactivity.
- Five-Senses Grounding:
- Look around and name 5 things you can see.
- Notice 4 things you can touch.
- Identify 3 things you can hear.
- Breathe in and find 2 things you can smell.
- Notice 1 thing you can taste.
This pulls the mind back into the present moment and steadies racing thoughts.
- Gentle Movement Reset:
- Walk slowly around the room, feeling your feet press into the floor.
- Stretch your arms overhead, then let them fall loosely by your sides.
- Roll your shoulders in slow circles.
Movement helps discharge excess adrenaline and signals safety to the nervous system.
When the Words Return
As the body steadies, the prefrontal cortex gradually re-engages. Survivors begin to think more clearly, remember details, and—finally—speak.
This is when journaling, counseling, or sharing with trusted friends can truly help. Words have power, but only once the brain is ready to use them.
