When we are grieving, the need for support can feel urgent and overwhelming. Friends and family may try, but sometimes they don’t know what to say or how to sit with the depth of our sorrow. That’s where a grief therapist or grief group can be invaluable. Yet not all support is created equal, and choosing the right fit matters.
Depending on the size of your community, you may find quite a few ways to locate a comfortable grief support group of clinician. Some common pathways are through funeral homes, churces, hospitals, mental health clinics, community centers, general health care provider, friend or by searching online.
What Makes a Good Grief Therapist?
Whether you choose a group of an individual grief helper, they can make or break the experience. Here are a few tips on what to look for:
- Specialized training: Grief has its own contours. Look for someone who has formal training and experience in bereavement, not just general counseling, not just volunteer work. A strong desire to help is not enough. Formal training assists people in active listening, spotting someone who is stuck or “reading” people’s nonverbal messages – not just what they are saying in words. And it helps to know when additional help is needed.
- Listening over fixing: A good grief therapist understands that your story needs to be heard. They don’t rush you toward “closure.” They don’t see you as having a need to be “fixed.”
- Comfort with emotion and silence: Grief comes in waves of tears, anger, and sometimes long pauses. A skilled therapist can sit with all of it without flinching.
- Respect for beliefs: Whether you’ve had an after-death communication (ADC) or none at all, whether your worldview is spiritual, scientific, or both — your therapist should honor it, not impose theirs.
- Practical tools: Alongside deep listening, they should be able to offer evidence-based coping strategies, rituals, or referrals to other resources.
- Recognize individual differences. No two individuals (even experiencing the same loss) have the same grief journey, let alone people from widely different cultures or eras.
- Group management: A talented group leader does not allow some people to dominate the group, say hurtful things or disclose more than is appropriate for the setting. They understand when a referral for more intense care is called for. Good group management means adhering to a schedule, knowing how to shift topics gracefully and meaningfully as well as protecting the boundaries of the group. They will review groundrules periodically and ensure they are met.
- Open or closed group: By design some groups allow participants to come and go as they please without a specific ending date. Others are closed and tend to be more structured. They often have certain objectives and numbers of weeks that the group will meet, not allowing new members to join mid-way.
- Self-empowerment: A sign of a productive grief group in one where there is a written or understood expectation that ultimately we are responsible for our own grief journey, that all the facilitator can do is offer suggestions, resources and specific tools.
Red flags in a therapist or a group that should give you pause:
- Over-reliance on rigid “stages of grief.”
- Minimizing your loss (“time heals all wounds”).
- Pushing their own religious or spiritual framework. (“God won’t give you more than you can hande.”)
- Pathologizing normal grief responses too quickly.
- Alot of group turnover. If there is little consistency in attendance, back away. There’s a reason for that.
- Lack of structure; allowing repetitive, wandering discussions.
- No groundrules or no enforcement of groundrules. They should be written, reasonable and enforced. Common groundrules pertain to issues like confidentiality, absences, substance abuse, threatening or judgmental behavior, if children are allowed and if people are allowed to “pass” (stay silent) when going around the circle.
What Makes a Good Grief Group?
- Skilled facilitation: A trained leader who ensures safety and respect.
- Cohesion: Members who listen without judgment or competition.
- Balance: Space for tears, but also for remembering, sharing, and hope.
- Fit: Groups can vary — some are for homicide loss, suicide loss, child loss, or general bereavement. The right group helps you feel less alone in your particular journey.
- Location: Do you want an in-person or online? There are pros and cons to each.
- Size: Too few attendees doesn’t feel like a group or allow for varied input. Too many people feels impersonal or like a class. An ideal size is somewhere between 7 – 12 people.
- Consistency: If members keep returning they are likely getting something out of it.
Trust Your Gut
If something feels off, it probably is. You are not obligated to stay with a therapist or a group that doesn’t meet your needs. It’s okay to keep looking until you feel truly supported. But take a pause if you were very comfortable until something “scary” or something new comes up. In other words, do give it a fair trial. Intervention isn’t always comfortable.
A good grief therapist or group won’t “fix” your grief — but they will walk alongside you, so you don’t carry it all alone.
See also: Blog post from August 8, 2023: “Support Groups for the Grief of Homicide?”
For a deeper discussion on how to find support after loss, go to Chapter 22 of my book, What Now? Navigating the Aftermath of Homicide and Suicide. It offers a step-by-step guide of what to expect and resources. For ongoing conversations with survivors of homicide and professionals, visit my podcast, Domino Effect of Murder. Other resources: Contact. www.griefshare.org, or www.compassionatefriends.org to locate help in your area. Also, try calling 211. There’s also the option of consulting with www.psychologytoday.com/us/ There is a specizlized site online called “What’s Your Grief?” at https://whatsyourgrief.com. Help is out there. Reach out. The chances of you finding what you need are good if you stick with it.
