We are bombarded by messages about grief in songs, movies, social media and news stories. Sometimes it’s accurate, other times it is outdated or simply false. Not only does this confuse us, but it can lead to misinformation in our supporters (even professional supporters). So, with this in mind, let’s look at ten statements. Rate them as true or false. Don’t overthink them. Ready?
1. It takes about one year, on average, to process grief (i.e. go through one round of holidays, anniversaries, and seasonal changes) to feel improvement.
2. Grief can make health issues we had before the death worse – like rashes, diabetes and tooth pain.
3. In the past ten years, more universities are offering specialized training of mental health professionals to deal with grief following suicide and homicide.
4. Grief requires at least a beginning level of language, so babies do not experience grief.
5. There is a specialized form of grief called “disenfranchized” which means somone’s grief is not taken seriously by others in their circle or society at large.
6. One of the most common symptoms associated with grief is insomnia.
7. If the perpetrator of the homicide is caught, tried and found guilty, it goes a long way to bring closure to homicide survivors.
8. All employers in the U.S. with a staff of over 100 are required by law to extend three days bereavement leave with pay.
9. “Grief spasms” (sudden outbursts of tears and heavy breathing) is a sign someone needs professional help.
10. Grief progresses in “stages” of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
ANSWERS:
- False – Everyone is different. Some people report year two to be more difficult. Most people say there is no finality to grief (though it does not remain as intense as in the beginning).
- True – This is why it is so important to see our regular health care provider sooner rather than later.
- False – There are no specialized training programs at the college or university level for mental health providers to learn how to assist homicide and suicide survivors. In fact, it is rare to have one class devoted to this topic (and it would be an elective, not required).
- False – even babies can feel tension and change. They won’t understand loss in depth, but they definately feel the absense of a primary caregiver or tension in their families. They show it by being “fussy,” arching their back, failing to gain weight or apathy.
- True – Examples of common places to see disenfranchized grief are in divorced spouses of the deceased, coworkers of the deceased, or even friends. These people are often treated similarly as a neighbor or distant relative of the deceased. They’re seldom included in decisions, invited to sit in the first row or to participate in the receiving line.
- True. Sleep is a top priority when grieving. It helps with mood, pain, illness, memory, coordination, listening, appetite and decision making.
7. False. Most homicide survivors say the guilty verdict is reassuring, but that they experience an incerase in grief after the conclusion of the trial. This is because they have been keeping their grief reactions in check (sometimes at the expectation of the judge and prosecutor). Closure means “conclusion.” There is no “conclusion” to the loss of someone from murder.
8. False. Bereavement leave is entirely optional, or voluntary, on the part of all employers.
9. False. Grief spasms are common and frightening but not a sign of weakness, mental illness or differentness.
10. False. This is an old model. Most “thanantologists” (people who study death and dying) believe grief is much too unique to progress through discrete stages that were developed by observing the elderly grieving a loss in the 1970s.
