How does someone prepare for a crisis they can’t see looming?
How do people salvage their life once it’s uprooted by a devastating tragedy like the homicide of a loved one?
What challenges lie ahead?
These are the questions I’d like us to consider here.
Do you want to be the hammer or the nail? Let life pound you into a corner or redirect tragedy for good?
Is the path clear? No. Easy? Hell, no.
Does a comeback guarantee happiness, fortune, or friends? No, but it beats stagnating.
Will there be setbacks? Yes.
Will you grow tired? Yes.
Will you feel alone? Yes – at first…
How I Got Here
In 1984 we’d been married almost 11 years. It seemed we were financially secure. There was no reason to believe we were in any physical danger.
These assumptions were both wrong.
In 1985 my husband was bludgeoned to death.
Detectives told me he’d given his two assailants all our money, and a photo album of the contents of our house. He’d let his business implode.
The hangups in the night weren’t random. And there was a reason I’d been followed home one foggy night while driving along the canal.
The media predictably descended. Even at the morgue. His funeral was a spectacle. I couldn’t sleep, let alone pay bills and fend off curious strangers.
Assailants were tried and convicted, the funeral completed, the media shushed and it was time to go. I moved away and did not speak of my husband’s murder for 30 years.
In the interim, I made good on my vow to myself that somehow, some way I’d make lemonade out of lemons.
I am all about transforming pain into purpose and aligning myself with others who have done the same.
The Voice of Intuition
The last year of our marriage, I sensed something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it. But, periodically this sense of danger, of vulnerability would surface.
I discussed it with Al, but he had a way of soothing my fears.
And, as a security consultant and author, Gavin DeBecker has pointed out, women are socialized to ignore hunches and “go along to get along.” Scotland Yard Detective Laura Richards agrees. She calls this “pre-grooming” which is part of the socialization of girls, preteens, and teens.
Why This Blog?
I’m not alone. Countless people have suffered violent loss as well. You may be one of them. That’s why you’ve stuck with me this far!
I invite you to engage with others here and on my podcast. What are your questions? Your fears? Your advice? Do you believe the indomitable human spirit can defy the odds?
Do you dismiss excuses, shortcuts and procrastination?
Now this isn’t just a “lets-be-brave-and-suck-it-up” blog. No! For it to be helpful it must stay genuine realistic and honest.
In the blog posts to follow I plan to
- offer detailed suggestions on how to navigate the murky path of life-after-violent-death
- provide – and receive – tips on personal safety
- gather insights on plotting a course toward post-trauma growth
- put the spotlight on trauma reactions
- introduce people who believe triumph over tragedy is attainable
- locate resources
- demystify psychological dogma and apply it to self-betterment
- discuss the reality of life after losing someone to homicide
Glad you’re here. Let’s do this together.