This question crosses the mind of most people highly stressed and grieving. We know more about how to maintain our car than our own minds. But the fact of the matter is, stress and grief deeply affect our thoughts and behaviors. We can have some pretty scary, unfamiliar and overwhelming reactions. It’s something we don’t like to address but it’s real and it’s common.
What gives?
There are many reasons that we just aren’t ourselves. For one thing, high stress disrupts the balance of the vast network of neurotransmitters in the brain (like serotonin). Neurotransmitters are like messengers. They help us move, feel, keep our heart beating and digest food. They instruct our moods, sleep and thinking by releasing certain hormones. Stress temporarily puts a kink in this system.
Even without an abundance of stress, sleep deprivation is daunting. Ever had to endure international flights that robbed you of sleep? What about a sudden change in a work shift where you are going into work when you would normally be getting into bed? Sleep deprivation steals our ability to remember. We react more slowly too (which becomes important if we must drive, use dangerous equipment or take care of a newborn). Our decisions aren’t the best and we can feel confused and unfocused. Little decisions like “What should I have for dinner?” seem as demanding as rewiring the television. Sleep allows our brains to clear out toxins and bolster our immunity. And creativity? It goes out the window. Another way of saying this, is that getting regular, restful sleep is a top priority!
Besides disruption in neurotransmitters and sleep, disruption to the rhythms of our life takes a toll. We actually develop specific neurons in our brain to adapt to a long term relationship (romantic or otherwise). And when that person is gone, our brain’s neurons specific to that person still fire. It takes a while for them to turn off. Our significant person isn’t there to let the dog out. There’s a glaringly empty seat across the table. Compromises on the television remote are gone. The house just seems bigger and quieter. Changes in routine brings its own destabilizing effect.
Our brains function best on adequate sleep, hydration, fuel and average amount of stimulation. Grief robs the brain of all three. Our multitude of emotions (fear, anger, numbness) takes a toll. The shock of loss overwhelms the brain’s ability to process or regulate emotions in much the same way that a fireplace, overstuffed with combustibles, overloads the capacity of the firebox.
High stress, poor sleep and too many demands being placed on us also brings “crazy thinking” (or what psychologists call “cognitive distortions”). This can be mild and take the form of being slighted when none was intended. Or it can be alarming such as catastrophizing – getting lost in the land of the “what ifs.” It goes something like this. “What if I don’t feel like eating? Will I get sick? If I get sick, will I miss work? If I miss work, will I be fired? If I’m fired, will I lose my house?”
And the stress of grief can trigger the brain’s “fight or flight” response. This is an inherited survival mechanism which releases stress hormones to increase vigilance at the cost of logical thinking and sleep. It’s like a fire alarm going off in the brain. A knock at the door can cause us to freeze. Someone blocking us in a parking spot can cause us to erupt with unfamiliar anger. Quite simply, we’re “on edge.”
So, no. You are not alone in these reactions. Most of the time they fade with time, adequate sleep, avoiding substance abuse, getting emotional support, a healthy diet and at least moderate exercise. Getting help is nothing to be ashamed of. It can take many forms. You might consult with your regular physician, attend a grief group, have a one-on-one discussion with a trusted friend or seek out a spiritual guide. You may need to lower your housekeeping standards temporarily or hire some help. Just know that coping with the aftermath of homicide is nothing short of being asked to do the impossible. Even Superwoman and Captain America would find it tough.
