The act of sorting through a loved one’s belongings following their murder is nothing short of agonizing. It’s another item on our long “to do” list. Few people know how to approach this dreaded chore. It feels both deeply personal and painfully final, a process no one is ever prepared for. Grief can make it difficult to focus, and the emotional weight of each item can be overwhelming. Yet, at some point, this task becomes necessary. Below is a supportive, step-by-step guide to help you navigate this painful but important process. And, keep in mind that, while you probably prefer to do this alone, there is no reason you can’t ask for help.
If this was easy, no one’s home would be cluttered. It’s tough to do even when we feel on top of our game. But after a homicide? It seems nearly impossible and too easy to put off.
There is another name for this difficult task: “Swedish Death Cleaning.” It stems from a well-worn cultural tradition of seasonally decluttering and organizing one’s life and home before passing away so no one is faced with the task after the owner’s death. It stems from a deeply held cultural belief that happiness doesn’t come from owning “stuff” but from relationships and experiences.
Undertaking this preventatively has other benefits. It makes it easier to clean, to find something you’re looking for and organized residences just seem more restful.
Understanding the Emotional Resistance
Before diving in, let’s get this out of the way. Your reluctance is completely normal. You may fear erasing their presence or worry that moving items means moving on. On the other hand, keeping everything untouched can weigh you down emotionally – being teathered to a time which is the most painful segment of your life. There is no “right” way to feel about this—only the way that makes sense for you. And it doesn’t help that you are tired.
When Is the Right Time?
That’s impossible to say. There is no universal timeline for this process. However, some indicators that you may be ready include:
- The items are becoming more of a burden than a comfort.
- You need to repurpose the space for practical reasons.
- The presence of their belongings is intensifying your grief rather than providing solace.
- You anticipate moving or getting a roomate.
If you’re not ready, that’s okay. But do try again.
Practical Steps for Moving Forward
- Get Support
- If possible, ask a trusted friend, church friend or family member to help or just drop by. Their presence can provide emotional grounding and practical assistance.
- If professional assistance is needed, some grief counselors or organizers specialize in bereavement decluttering. Yes. That is a “thing.”
- Set a Manageable Timeline
- Decide on a set time frame for the process—maybe one afternoon a week or a few minutes each morning.
- Don’t rush. Some people finish in days; others take months or longer.
- Start with a quick win. Start with removing their belongings from the bathroom or car. Alternatively, start with one large item to make an impact – such as their drafting table or truck.
- Speaking of time management…set a deadline for getting things out of the house once they are set aside for donation. Don’t let them grow roots.
- Organize Items into Five Categories with Labeled Boxes to Match
- Keep: Smaller sentimental and practical items that bring comfort, like photos, metals or coffee cup.
- Donate or sell: Items that could benefit others (clothing, books, furniture, tools, crib).
- Store: Items you’re unsure about—place them in a labeled box and revisit later. Date it.
- Give to Others: Friends or family may appreciate certain mementos.
- Discard: Items that are damaged or have no sentimental or practical value.
- Save space
- Chose one flannel shirt or toy or perfume bottle – not all of them.
- Digitizing some items (photos, letters) to preserve them without taking up space.
- Be Kind to Yourself
- Expect emotional triggers. It’s okay to cry, pause, or step away. Remember to pace yourself.
- Give yourself permission to keep more than you expected—or less than you thought you would.
- Remember: letting go of objects doesn’t mean letting go of love!
- Honor Their Memory in a New Way
- Consider repurposing a meaningful item—turning a favorite shirt into a pillow, having fishing reels made into bookends or creating a scrapbook of memories.
- Donate a valuable collection in their name to a local high school or community organization.
Final Thoughts
This process is never just about physical objects—it’s about love, loss, and the continuing bond you share with the person you lost. Go at your own pace, seek help if needed, and trust that when the time is right, you will find the strength to take this step. But don’t give up.
When your motivation wanes, picture your goal and how reorganizating and decluttering will make you feel.
Above all, be gentle with yourself. Healing is not linear, and this process is not about erasing the past but making space for both grief and life to coexist.
