If the title of this post resonates, you’re likely “one of us.” We are the overlooked. We are the human shock absorbers trying to survive the aftermath of murder. We plan the unexpected funeral, get questioned by law enforcement, comfort the orphaned children, endure pointed fingers, dodge the media, and sob uncontrollably when no one is around.
Our challenge is to find our way in a world we no longer recognize. We no longer fit in. Others don’t seem to “get it.” We quickly learn how meager the resources are to help us. Society wants a Hollywood ending with the glitzy word “closure.” We’re frequently exploited by journalists, funeral industry professionals, and entertainment moguls in search of ratings.
Ten Million Plus
In my lifetime, there have been approximately 1,153,000 known murders in the U.S. This doesn’t include the missing and presumed dead. And for each tragedy, approximately eight to ten people are deeply and immediately impacted. This translates to over ten million grieving survivors. They are us. We are them. We are all homicide survivors.
While each of our so-called “trauma journeys” is unique, we can probably agree that we will not reach the much-promised “closure” (which means “conclude”). Instead, we’re forced to make space for grief and carry it. Others seldom know how to comfort us. Fortunately, we know how to comfort each other.
The Grief Rock
Imagine grief as a fist-size rock swiftly thrust at you. The impact is hurtful, unexpected and promises to leave a scar. You’re forced to carry it. You have no choice. You place the grief rock in your pocket hoping never to see it again. It remains tucked away. It soon forms an uncomfortable lump, an annoying weight, as you try to get through your day without thinking about it. It’s always in the back of your mind. It won’t go away. There is no forgetting it. There is no tossing it.
But, over time you adjust. In fact, over time you grow stronger from carrying this extra, unwanted weight. It feels lighter – not because the rock has changed. It feels lighter because you have changed.
Special Message for New Survivors
If the grief rock tossed at you is recent you need to know this. Although grief brought you to your knees… You. Will. Survive. This. Full stop.
Yes, it will take time.
Yes, you will do much of the work alone.
Yes, there will be backsliding.
Yes, it will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.
Yes, you will make mistakes.
Yes, it is not fair. But you will survive this.
How can I be so sure? I know this because of the experts. Now, I know what you’re thinking but hear me out.
Imagine reading on a bench in a quiet park or cemetery. Try as you might, you can’t focus on the words. Your mind drifts to your recent loss again and again.
In the distance you see two strangers walking together, chatting, nodding, and coming closer. You aren’t frightened. Something is reassuring about them. They sit on a just-vacated nearby bench. The three of you are alone. They are aware of your sorrow. They ask, “How can we help?” You shake your head and reply “No one can help.” But they patiently wait. They know you are suffering. You gradually feel accompanied. Your loss matters to them.
Who are these nearby strangers? They are two of the many homicide survivors I’ve come to know. Each felt like you do now. Each doubted anyone could understand them. Each doubted they would ever sleep peacefully or smile again. Each doubted they could ever carry the grief rock this long. You wouldn’t know from looking at them. They seem to blend in with everyone else.
But they have an important message. “If we did it, so can you.“
It Can Wait
I fully realize that early on you have no tolerance for listening to more tragic news while still raw from your own. But, tuck this message away. They’re patient. One day you may tune in to hear Domino Effect of Murder to see what you have in common with the two strangers who sit nearby.
And then, with the passing of even more time, you will understand that your story (like theirs) will become part of someone else’s survival guide.
When you are ready, here is the link. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/domino-effect-of-murder/id1497819808
Guest name / Date of Episode Their loss
Michael Anthony 10/13/21 – lost his best friend as a teen on the streets to teen violence. He is now a motivational speaker.
Tonya Baines-Godwin 10/26/22 – Her elderly father was murdered randomly on Facebook Live. The shooter took his own life shortly after and forwarned his followers of his intent. Tonya wrote a book entitled “From Grief to Grace.” Tonya is a registered nurse, psalmist, motivational speaker, and ordained minister.
Natalie Bedard 7/17/24 – endured the shooting death of her best friend’s teenage son in school who had a reputation as a “peacemaker.” Natalie now administers “Lift OneSelf” as a compassionate grief coach.
Kristen Bell 8/5/20 – Her young grandson was killed by his mom’s boyfriend. She has advocated for tougher legislation regarding child abuse.
Rebecca Benny 3/8/23 – Her mom was shot and killed by a coworker on the night shift when Rebecca was in high school. She had a podcast called LVM Advntge and a presence on TikTok, which is how we met.
Todd Boczkowski 1/5/22 – His father drowned his mother and stepmother when he was a boy. He and his siblings were extensively interviewed by print and broadcast media before Todd was an adult. He is working on his memoir “My Two Angels” and works part-time as a grief coach.
Jeanne Dotts Brykalski 5/8/24 – Her parents were murdered in a home invasion by three males (one was only 13). She volunteers her time as a crime victim advocate and is actively engaged with the parole board to keep the one surviving killer behind bars.
Megan Conner 3/27/24 – two, young, second cousins were murdered by their mother (Megan’s older cousin knicknamed “Doomsday Mom” ) and her fourth spouse during a killing spree. Megan has spoken out about their deaths and the Jehova’s Witness church on a variety of media platforms.
Lynette Duncan 4/23/24 – As a teen, her father and sister were shot to death in a home invasion at 4 a.m. Lynette became the de facto head of the family while her mother recovered from extensive injuries. Lynette works with the parole system to keep the surviving killers behind bars.
Shelly Edwards-Jorgensen 2/16/22 – As a teen, her father murdered her mother and burned the house down. Shelly wrote a must-read memoir, Beautiful Ashes, which speaks to domestic violence.
Alexa Hansen 9/6/23 – A homeless man murdered her younger sister (whom Alexa had adopted) in an abandoned house which he then set on fire. Alexa is active with Compassionate Friends.
Kalvon Hawkins 2/22/23 – His teenage daughter was murdered in a park in front of 150 witnesses when she unknowingly stepped between two warring groups. The police hid the identity of the murderer. Kalvon wrote a book (co-authored with S.L. Jackson) entitled Justice for NeKeisha and he just launched a YouTube channel and a podcast called Grieving Our Babies.
Bill Jenkins 2/6/20 – His teenage son was shot in a robbery attempt on the first day he ever worked. Bill works tirelessly on gun legislation and is a motivational speaker. He published a self-help book entitled “What To Do When the Police Leave.”
Sarama Keum-Sun 9/16/20 – Her mother and sister were tortured and murdered by her sister’s boyfriend. She has returned to college to pursue her dream of becoming a writer.
Ryan Kopyar 5/3/23 – His pregnant mother was raped and murdered at work at Christmas time when he was a young boy. He later obtained his counseling credential and practices out of Seattle.
Javier Leiva 4/15/20 – lost three journalist coworkers to a murder-suicide which was broadcast live on morning television. He now hosts two podcasts “Pretend Radio” and “Criminal Conduct.”
Jessica Lewis 1/3/24 – Her husband of one year was murdered in a case of mistaken identity. It is still unsolved. The facts that she has unearthed do not match what she was told about his death.
Kari Northery 1/19/22 – Her young niece was murdered by her father. She works in the death industry and consults with homicide survivors about private funerals.
Kevin McCall 7/26/23 – His son was murdered in a robbery attempt near the University of Tampa a year before he was to graduate. Kevin kept a detailed journal to help him process his feelings and keep his family intact. At the urging of others, he published it. The title is “For the Love of Family.”
Lizbeth McCarty 8/31/22 – lost her pregnant niece at the hands of the baby’s father. She works as a novelist and attorney.
Sharon McConnell-Dickerson 2/14/24 – lost her best friend to a serial murderer in Panama. Although she was blind and did not speak Spanish, she set in motion a series of events that led to the capture and conviction of the serial murderer who was responsible. He is still incarcerated. A book has been written about the killer and her role in his capture, The Jolly Roger Social Club by Nick Foster.
Tina McGhee 2/19/20 – Her tiny niece was murdered by her mother’s new boyfriend.
Heather Melton 4/28/21 – lost her husband during a mass shooting at a concert in Las Vegas in 2017. She is a public speaker about public safety. She is a physician. Singer Eric Church, who played at the Route 91 Harvest Festival, later produced a song entitled, “Why Not Me” in honor of Heather’s slain husband and the others killed.
Tara Myers 3/17/21 – Her brother and sister were murdered in unrelated crimes.
Delicia Niami 3/13/24 – Her mother was murdered by an intruder in front of her stepfather. Delicia is working on a trilogy of her life. (Book one pertains to her international kidnapping by her father.)
Jessica Norman 4/19/24 – Her sister was murdered by her sister’s “friends.” She works as a correctional officer, some of whom have committed murder.
Anissa Perry 4/14/21 – Her husband was murdered by a relative while home on compassionate leave from the Middle East. Anissa had two preschool sons. Today she is a full-time victim advocate.
Marcy Pusey 10/12/22 – Her father-in-law murdered his wife as Marcy slept in the next room (he had untreated dementia). Marcy is a writer.
Hope Reger 3/16/22 – Her teenage son was murdered by his roommate. She now runs a nonprofit grief group called “Grief 2 Hope.”
Mike Schentrup 1/31/24 – His teenage niece was murdered in the Parkland Massacre while in class. He works full time training fellow officers how to investigate homicides using the latest technology.
Susan Snow 10/18/23 – Her law enforcement father was murdered as payback for testifying. She authored her memoir “The Other Side of the Gun” and often speaks to groups of law enforcement officers.
Josephine Wentzel 1/17/24 – Her daughter was murdered by a new boyfriend and fled the country. Josephine was a retired detective at the time. She came out of retirement to capture her daughter’s murderer, which took her on an international manhunt through Central America. It took three years. She is raising her two grandchildren. She founded Angels for Justice which aims to seek justice for other families. Josephine has authored a book entitled The Chase.
Kay Wilson 3/3/21 – witnessed the murder of her hiking partner Kristine by Palestinian terrorists in Jerusalem. Kay barely survived the attack herself. She spent a year in a wheelchair. Kay wrote The Rage Less Traveled. She also organized a school for Palestinian orphans called The Yellow Brick Road. It teaches Muslim children about resiliency and counter-radicalization.
Barbara With 5/22/24 – lost her adult niece and nephew to murder years apart over custody disagreements. She works part-time as a spiritual medium.
Dan Yearick 10/28/20 – This therapist in North Carolina recounts his assistance of Ryan Hadley following the murder of Ryan’s parents at the hands of Tyler, Ryan’s younger brother. Together with Ryan, they wrote the memoir A Thousand Fireflies.
