What About the Ring?
If our spouse is killed are we “unmarried?” The question won’t come up immediately. But it will come up eventually.
If the marriage was happy, or an effort was being made by both partners to improve it, it’s doubly hard to redefine ourselves as single.
The “ring quandary” is present with every widow or widower, regardless of the cause of death.
Do we remove our wedding ring? Maybe we need to shift it to our right hand? Perhaps we’d rather put it on a chain. Should we have the stone reset into another ring? Put it in a drawer?
Some spouses remove their wedding ring after the funeral as an act of acceptance and finality. Others may take them off months or years later as their grief softens. Some never part with them.
Widowhood is so complicated. There are many reactions to the “ring decision.” Here is what some people had to say.
“I hope to never take mine off. I will always be bound to her. She died giving birth. She was my greatest joy.” R.J.
“Being widowed is not the same as being single. But I don’t feel married either.” E.S.
“It will be 9 months. I took it off a couple of months ago and placed it next to hers on a picture frame of us. It was causing more pain reminding me of what I will never have again with her, so I took it off.” L. L.
“It’s the two-year mark. I intended to keep it on but all of a sudden it felt wrong and I took it off.” A.N.
“After six months I moved it to my right hand and it’s been there for years.” B.N. J.
“I took it off soon. I couldn’t look at it anymore after how he treated me.” R.R.
“My husband died unexpectedly while we were on vacation. I took my rings off on the flight home. I wasn’t a wife anymore. I was a widow.” S. T.
Associated Decisions
Along with the ring quandary come other decisions. What about those marital status boxes on forms? What do we check? How much time passes before we learn to say “late husband” or “we were married”? Are we still a member of our deceased spouse’s biological family? If we continue to be a part of that family and one day start to date, what do we do? Do we drop “Mrs.” in favor of “Ms.”?
Many External Factors
Cultural norms, spiritual beliefs, values, circumstances of the death, whether the couple discussed the idea of remarriage after the death of the other, and other variables influence the decision to remove a wedding band – or not. But regardless of when or if it happens, the abruptly-single person can feel disloyal or guilty for turning the page in their book of life.
Remarriage – The Facts
Remarriage among widows and widowers is most common between 2 – 10 years after death.
Interestingly, research shows that a desire for remarriage is weakest in widows and widowers with strong, lasting, and available friendships. That is, people with numerous and supportive friends express less desire for remarriage.
Younger widows and widowers more frequently express a desire to never re-marry. In other words, older un-partnered people, remarry (not cohabitate) more frequently than those under age 34. But this doesn’t mean that younger people aren’t romantically involved.
Besides age, gender is a factor, too. Men tend to remarry in higher numbers, and earlier, than women. I once knew a widow, age 55, who confessed to me she was suspicious of remarriage. She “didn’t want a man looking for a nurse and a purse.”
Practical Issues of Remarriage
Poor health is an important variable. If we accept our new partner “in sickness and in health” physical matters need to be honestly and openly discussed. Perhaps they have difficulty controlling their Type 1 Diabetes, or are infertile. Maybe they have a history of dangerously high blood pressure, or substance abuse, or they are losing their sight.
If there are children from the initial marriage, what about the inheritance? Would a pre-nuptial agreement help? If one has never had children and the other has just launched their youngest, will the desire for children be a stumbling block? Are the children of the deceased parent ready to accept a step-parent? If both partners in the new relationship have children, will they get along?
Is talk of the deceased spouse acceptable within the new relationship? What about keeping their photo on display?
Are there age, religious, or cultural differences to address in the re-partnership?
Will the remarriage require a big geographic move or just a local one? As for the new residence, will one sell their home and move in with the other, or will they pool their resources and purchase a new place? Will this impact careers years in the making?
These and other considerations are a necessary reality check on readiness to move ahead.
Can We Agree on This?
Two things we can probably agree on are these: One. Rebound relationships are fragile. Grief must be addressed before readiness for a new partner. The odds of success increase if a happy, single lifestyle is established first. Two. It’s a big step in the grieving process when we can protect and cherish the past without remaining stuck in it. That is, it’s a big deal to understand we’re entitled to feel joy and loss. They are not mutually exclusive. Experiencing both is not a sign of disloyalty or disrespect.
The desire to keep or remove wedding rings after the death of a partner is a highly personal and important one. So is remarriage.
Someone once told me that being a widow is somewhat like folding a fitted sheet. No one really is an expert at it.
This I know. There are no shortcuts. The only way to move ahead is to trudge right through it one day at a time. And it takes as long as it takes.
