There are common refrains of what annoys homicide survivors. They’re shared when it feels safe to do so. Drawing from my podcast, academic research, casual discussions in support groups and crime victim advocates I offer you the top ten frustrations people grieving a violent death experience but rarely openly discuss.
1. Silence from Authorities
Information doesn’t flow easily. Many survivors are left waiting—weeks, even months or years—for updates on their loved one’s case. Calls go unreturned. Answers are vague. This vacuum of communication deepens trauma. And it is getting worse. Senior detectives are retiring early. Retention of their replacements is by no means a guarantee and recruitment fails to attrack sufficient personnel. Large departments in high crime areas are barely treading water. In New York City, for example, each detective had a case load (homicide and non-homicide) of about 200 to work. Today it has soared to 600. Something has to give. And that something is often communication with the family of the victim.
2. Lack of Mental Health Support
The emotional toll of homicide is profound. Yet most survivors are never referred to trauma-informed grief counselors. Many feel pressure to “move on,” even as their inner world remains shattered. And to make matters worse, experienced clinicians are a rarity. Most mental health personnel have no formal training in helping homicide survivors.
3. Media Sensationalism
Graphic headlines. Unflattering photos. Misreported facts. Survivors often watch their loved one’s death become clickbait—while they’re still absorbing the loss. Its especially common on social media but is easy to find with major production companies as well. We need look no further than Netflix. In the first 28 days following release of the latest Dahmer film, it drew 856 million hours watched and crossed the one billion mark within 60 days. Not one red cent was passed on to the real victims.
4. Social Isolation
Friends and coworkers don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. Survivors frequently report being ghosted or judged. Some are even blamed—directly or indirectly—for the crime.
5. Legal System Confusion
The justice process is long, complex and exhausting. Trials are delayed. Plea deals are cut. Survivors are expected to sit silently while decisions are made without them. Many describe court as a second trauma.
6. Financial Strain
Few are prepared for the hidden costs of homicide: funeral expenses, time off work, relocation, legal fees. Victim compensation programs are hard to access and often underfunded. The average family accumulates $7,000 – $15,000 worth of bills in the period immediately after the death. If they must sell their home, move or need to hire an estate attorney it is not uncommon to add an additional $7,000 to the tab. And, in the end the unanticipated cost of death can top $26,000 over five years. And most of the time there is no life insurance to help (for a variety of reasons).
7. No Closure from the Courts
Even in the very rare event of a trial, outcomes can feel hollow. Offenders may get lenient sentences in a plea deal—or even walk free. Appeals drag on for decades. Justice, if it comes, is rarely complete. An astonishing 70% of murders are unsolved when gang activity is implicated.
8. Policy Neglect
Unlike larger advocacy groups, homicide survivors are seldom consulted on public policy. We remain underrepresented in laws, funding priorities, and public discourse. And with so many competing demands on our time, understandably, we wash our hands of this task.
9. The Burden of Advocacy
Many of us are forced to become investigators, advocates, and public speakers just to get answers—or to protect others. It’s a burden we never asked for, especially while grieving.
10. Support That Fades Too Soon
Help comes in waves, but seldom lasts. After the funeral, after the trial—when the public attention moves on—survivors are left carrying the weight, often alone. And this is doubly so by the time parold hearings role around seventeen or twenty years later.
Why This Matters Now
We cannot change what happened. But we can change how society responds. These top ten concerns are not just “gripes.” They are calls to action.
As I step away from podcasting to focus on organizing the first-ever national conference for homicide survivors, I hope this message reaches the professionals, lawmakers, neighbors, and family members who need to hear it most. Your attention, your empathy, and your willingness to listen—really listen—could be the beginning of meaningful change.
If you’re a survivor reading this: You’re not alone. Your voice matters. And there is a growing movement working to ensure that you are not forgotten.
