In the aftermath of a homicide, most survivors worry about making it through the next court hearing, media intrusion, the next anniversary, or the next sleepless night. Few people talk openly about another reality: some survivors wonder whether they can survive at all.
When someone we love is murdered, the world changes in an instant. Without notice. Without immediate support. Without feeling the ground beneath our feet.
The shock is profound. The loss is traumatic. Questions often go unanswered. Court proceedings may drag on for months — even years. Survivors frequently find themselves carrying not only grief, but also fear, anger, guilt, exhaustion, and isolation.
Most homicide survivors will never attempt suicide. However, research consistently shows that people who experience traumatic bereavement—including the violent death of a loved one—are at increased risk for depression, post-traumatic stress, complicated grief, and suicidal thoughts.
Suicidal thinking is not a sign of weakness. It is a reflection of the tremendous emotional burden homicide survivors are asked to carry over a long period of time.
Why the Risk Increases
After a homicide, survivors face challenges that extend far beyond the death itself:
- Graphic details surrounding the crime are in the news, aired in court, discussed by detectives and described by witnesses.
- Media attention or public scrutiny becomes intrusive.
- Lengthy investigations and court proceedings are confusing and lengthy.
- Financial strain is brought on by more hours of babysitters, time off work, attorneys, medical appointments and funeral planning. Some people have to move.
- Changes in family relationships are common.
- Sleep disruption hits early and hard.
- Feelings of helplessness or loss of meaning linger and are suffocating at 3:00 a.m. when it seems the rest of the world is safely asleep.
- Social isolation from colleagues, neighbors and even old friends is very common.
- One’s children may be treated differently at school.
- More pronounced physical health problems as well as new ones, develop.
Many survivors describe feeling as though they have been dropped into a foreign country without transportation or a map where no one speaks their language.
For some, the pain becomes so overwhelming that thoughts of escape begin to emerge.
Importantly, suicidal thoughts are often less about wanting to die and more about simply wanting unbearable suffering to stop.
Warning Signs to Watch For
If you are a homicide survivor, pay attention to significant changes in your thoughts, emotions, or behavior.
Warning signs often include:
- Feeling hopeless about the future
- Believing others would be better off without you
- Increasing withdrawal from family and friends
- Giving away prized possessions
- Increased use of alcohol or drugs
- Extreme and lasting changes in sleep or appetite
- Feeling you have become a burden
- Feeling trapped or having no reason to continue
- Expressing a desire to join the person who died
- Talking about suicide, even indirectly
- Increased depression and anger
- Increasingly preoccupied about the need to stop the anguish
For Friends and Family
Trust your instincts. If something feels different or concerning, pay attention. You do not need proof that someone is suicidal before reaching out.
One of the most persistent myths is that asking someone about suicide will put the idea in their head. Research shows the opposite.
Asking directly and compassionately can open the door to lifesaving conversations. Consider saying:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling lately, and I’m concerned about you.”
Or:
“Sometimes after a traumatic loss, people think about not wanting to live. Have you been having thoughts like that?”
Listen without judgment. Avoid debating, minimizing, or immediately trying to “fix” the person’s feelings.
If someone tells you they are thinking about suicide:
- Stay calm.
- Take them seriously.
- Help them connect with professional support (see below).
- Encourage them not to remain alone.
- Contact emergency services or a crisis line if there is immediate danger.
And if someone tells you they are not thinking about suicide? What then?
It does not mean the conversation was a failure, or that it was premature, or that you have shamed them in some way. People deny having suicidal thoughts or plans for many reasons. Sometimes they genuinely are not inclined to take their life. Some are ambivalent and don’t know how to answer. Others are frightened by the immediate consequences of disclosing their lethal thoughts. Some simply want to protect their privacy while they weigh options.
The lesson here is don’t let a denial from your friend end your concern.
Years ago I worked in an office with cubicles. One afternoon I overheard a coworker answering what sounded like questions from a crisis line or professional screener. He repeatedly denied having suicidal thoughts, denied previous attempts, denied access to a firearm, and seemed increasingly irritated by the questions. The conversation ended abruptly. The following week he died by suicide.
I share this story for one reason: a person’s denial does not necessarily mean a friend’s concern was misplaced. It is appropriate to take people at their word. It is also appropriate to continue caring, checking in, and keeping the door open for future conversations.
So what can a friend do? They can say “I’m glad to hear that. I asked because I care about you. If things ever change, I hope you’d reach out to me or someone else, like this hotline number” (and then hand them the phone number.)
To Homicide Survivors
If you are carrying thoughts of suicide, please know this:
You are not the only person who has felt this way after a violent loss.
Many survivors who later found purpose, connection, and even moments of joy once believed they would never survive their grief. The fact that you are struggling does not mean you are failing.
It means you are human.
Reach out to a trusted friend, therapist, physician, clergy member, support group, or crisis resource. Let someone walk beside you.
You do not have to carry this alone.
Hope Is Not the Absence of Pain
Healing after homicide is not about forgetting.
It is not about “moving on,” forgiveness or denying the impact.
It is about learning, little by little, how to carry both love and loss at the same time.
If you are worried about yourself, tell someone today.
If you are worried about someone else, reach out today.
One conversation can change the course of a life.
Need Immediate Help?
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger,
call 911 or your local emergency number.
In the United States and Canada, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Help is available. Recovery is possible. No one should have to face homicide grief alone.
