Every November, messages of gratitude flood our screens and social feeds. It’s right there in the name: “Thanksgiving.” People mean well, but for those living with the aftermath of homicide, messages like this can sting. I mean, have you ever reviewed the holiday card section this time of year? I bet you won’t find one addressing a sentiment about facing the holidays despite being a survivor of violent death. It only serves to make us feel more hushed – more invisible – more sidelined.
Gratitude, joy, and togetherness—the emotional currency of the holidays—can feel light-years away when our nervous systems are still fighting to survive, to adapt, to protect.*
The world tells us repeatedly to “count our blessings.” But many of us are still counting our losses.
Grief and the Biology of Survival
When trauma strikes, the body reroutes its energy toward survival. Cortisol floods the system, sleep becomes elusive, and the simplest tasks can feel monumental. Gratitude, compassion, and joy live in the same neighborhood of the brain—but the doors to that neighborhood often lock when fear and grief move in.
If you can’t feel grateful right now, it’s not a failure of character or faith. It’s neurobiology. You’re not broken—you’re human.
The Illogic of “Business as Usual”
It’s worth saying this out loud: It is illogical to expect the holidays to go on as usual when nothing about your life is the same. The chair is empty, the routine is shattered, and the version of you who once moved easily through the season no longer exists.
For survivors who are also parents, this conflict can feel even sharper. You want to protect your children’s sense of magic, but you’re barely remembering how to breathe. Remember that protecting their hearts doesn’t mean pretending you’re fine—it means showing them how love endures through honesty. Quiet, simple gestures can matter more than elaborate plans.
What to Try Instead
Gratitude lists may not fit this season of your life. Not in the here. And not in the now. Here are some gentler, more realistic approaches:
- Create a Permission List. This is intended for your eyes only. Instead of forcing gratitude, list what you’re genuinely allowing. “It’s okay to rest.” “It’s okay to decline invitations.” “It’s okay to cry.” “It’s okay to feel nothing at all.” Permission is the foundation of healing.
- Look for Neutral Anchors. Gratitude may feel unreachable, but neutrality isn’t. The weight of a blanket, the rhythm of breathing, a cup of tea, the loyalty of a pet. These simple sensations remind the body it’s safe enough to stay here, one moment longer. Lean in to the comfort, the reassurance. It sends a message to the nervous system that you are no longer needing to be on high alert.
- Simplify Traditions. If the thought of a big meal or gathering makes you tense, shrink the plan. Light a candle for your loved one, take a walk, or make a single favorite dish. Small rituals count.
- Choose Connection Over Performance. Spend time with people who don’t require you to “be okay.” Sometimes the best company is quiet company.
- Anticipate Holiday Invitations. Give yourself permission to not attend, or to leave early if that suits you better. This is one of those situations where too many of us work hard to make others comfortable at our own expense. You don’t owe others an explanation. “No thank you, not this year” is enough.
Gratitude Will Return—In Its Own Time
You may notice it someday when you least expect it: a sunrise, a kind gesture, the sound of laughter from another room. Gratitude will return when it can do so honestly, not out of obligation. Like grief, it has its own timeline.
Until then, it’s perfectly acceptable to simply get through the day. Surviving the holidays is enough. In all likelihood next year the holidays may feel more on track. But if they don’t, they don’t. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your grieving in a culture that hurries the process along.
There is a different kind of gratitude—the gratitude of endurance, of breath, of refusing to disappear from your own life – that anyone grieving at the holidays is entitled to.
*For more information see the posts entitled “The Death Notification and Brain Overload” from October 17, 2025, and “Dumstruck by Trauma: Recovery Begins with the Body” from September 28, 2025.
