(Why and How to Get one)
Do not expect death care professionals to understand or offer the option of a private funeral or graveside committal service. They’re trained to think of this in business terms. Too few homicide survivors realize they have the option of a private funeral or graveside service and the benefits this offers.
In a nutshell, having a private service will head off a scene from supporters of the accused and the media. It helps us regain a sense of control.
A Cautionary Tale
Here is what can go wrong. I went alone 90 minutes ahead of the funeral service for my murdered husband in anticipation of a media circus. I requested the funeral director of Verheyden Funeral Home in Grosse Pointe Park, Michigan to keep the media out. I asked him several times. He nervously shrugged and said, “It’s a public street.” I reminded him the building was not. He casually responded, “We have no way of screening who is in the media.”
I knew right then I was in trouble. Within a half hour, the vans emblazoned with “Channel 7” and “Channel 4” with satellite dishes pulled curbside. Reporters swaggered in, notebooks and camcorders at the ready. They did not attempt to be discreet. They caused such a disturbance that one of the guests turned to them in the middle of the service and asked, “Haven’t you had your fill, you bastards?!” I was mortified.
I stood up to leave the moment the service was done. A cameraman blocked my way with a bright light blinding me. It was awful. I didn’t know then it was avoidable.
Six Considerations
It’s not so complicated. It just takes some forethought and knowing what to ask for. Here are six things to consider.
First, do not authorize an obituary anywhere detailing when and where a service will be held. That includes social media and print media. Invite each guest by phone (or have a friend do this) or email a written invitation. Make it clear this is invitation-only and kindly ask that they not bring a guest or get clearance for that person ahead of time. It wouldn’t hurt to mention that you are requesting everyone to keep their phones off during the service and to refrain from taking any photos.
Second, make a guest list. Make 3 copies. One is for each friend at the entry to check people off the list, and an extra. Take time to decide who you want to be allowed inside. On the day of the service, if someone wants entry who isn’t on the list, they’re eitheer turned away or asked to wait while someone checks with you. This person could be a member of the media, a nosey neighbor or someone you meant to invite. Yes, private funerals run the risk of accidentally excluding someone. But this is your burden, not theirs.
Third, do not allow the business establishment to livestream or record the service. Make this known at the time you sign the service contract. Keep in mind the day of the service this prohibition may not have been communicated to the staff. So, ask a friend to check around for unfamiliar cameras on tripods and have them removed. If you would like a recording of the service for your private use, ask a friend to record it and upload it to a private YouTube channel for later use. Ask people in attendance (again) to keep their phones turned off.
Although rare, there have been instances in which funeral home staff failed to turn off the live stream broadcast at the conclusion of the service. The uncensored video can reveal private information to anyone listening.
Fourth, ask for police presence if you have credible reasons to be worried about safety. This could be at the funeral home, crematorium, or cemetery. Extra caution is warranted if you have received a threat, if gang activity is involved, if the media has portrayed you as having information helpful to the defense, if unfamiliar vehicles have followed you, and so on. Trust your gut.
Fifth, if you plan on getting a headstone made, consider delaying it. If installed too soon it could be damaged or disturbed by perturbed supporters of the accused and it marks the casket location. Besides, the slower pace may give you a much-needed break from other items on your long to-do list.
Six, ask the business owner what their staff training and policies are regarding privacy. Is the person mailing out death certificates, valets, and other staff members aware of company policies? Are they skilled in exercising confidentiality? Do they know how to handle invasive media and the importance of not giving out information?
Not having to worry about intrusions during a service will give you peace of mind. It will also enable you to focus on the sad task at hand – saying your final good-byes.
When you were born, you cried
and the world rejoiced.
Live your life so that when you die,
the world cries and you rejoice.
— Cherokee Nation
